Comments

An Uncommon Family, chapter 2 — 5 Comments

  1. Christa, a sad, poignant story many will emphatize with. I did notice a couple of things – should it be "fell asleep in Anna's arms" instead of "fell asleep in Anna's arm"? Also should it be she can have a "kitty" instead of she can have a "kiddy"?

    It's a really good sample and I would definitely read more.

  2. Ooops, Linda, how embarrassing! Thanks for pointing out the blunders. The novel is at its editing/proofreading stage and such feedback is highly appreciated! No matter how often you reread something, you often overlook even some obvious errors!
    Thanks again,
    Christa

  3. Christa:

    I really like this. Lovely and sad. I definitely want to read more.

    I do have some proofreading notes. (Grain of salt required…)

    "It had been an unusually hot summer in a country, which wasn’t exactly known for its heat waves." Why the comma? Better is: "It had been an unusually hot summer in a country not known for its heat waves."

    "The strong pungent scent of basil in between the tomatoe plants reminded Anna of her gardening chores she kept putting off because of the heat." Should be: "strong, pungent"; and "tomato"

    "in case the child had another one her nightmares." Missing word. Should be "another one of"

    Anna getting the "ominous phone call" is a chance for a powerful scene, as opposed to a brief recollection. Might build this out more, rather than keep it distant.

    I loved this: "It smelled of wet grass, of chrysanthemums, the sweet-rotten aroma of fall."

    "Anna was shaking hands…" More active is better here: "Anna shook hands…" In general, watch out for the passive voice.

    "Like porcelain dolls or empty shells, Anna thought." Nice.

    "Driving back to Zurich, Anna was thinking of Karla…" Passive. Better is "Anna thought of Karla"

    "Anna, alone again, was gazing at the lake…" Passive. Better: "Anna…gazed"

    That's all I got. Lovely scenes, Christa. I'll read more later.

    Best,

    David